The Longest Survey
I'm just so totally fucked up, screwed, whatever and an itsy bit depresed I would guess...sometimes I just wonder why I keep going, why not just end it all, I'm just so fucking tired! It's not that I want to die, it jusst that I can't really see any reason to continue. But I wont od course, kill myself I mean, that wouldn't be fair, not to me or anyone else. I want to grow up, find someone to love and have children. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone that love me though, everyone that has been interested of me in the least in the past have been drunk or just wanted to use me. They can use me, I don't really care, I can pretend, they don't love me, I don't love them, end of story. Then it's maybe strange that I havn't had sex yet. I don't know why I havn't really. I guess I'm just a prude, or I don't know, I just freeze up if someone tries to touch me below the belt... actually I don't know if I've ever had sex before, I fooled around with a guy this summer and well he said we'd had sex, I can't deny it but I can't confirm it either... totally fucked up... that guy I fooled around with, he was the first person to actually kiss me without having to play truth ot dare or some game like that before, and he is 28, well i guess he's 29 now... almost missed my national test in Matte E today, NO ONE told me that it was today, I thought it was tomorrow, some friends huh...it just breaks my heart, and now I wont have time to do the NP-Eng B Listening&Writing....so not good, it just makes me want to scream and hit something, preferably myself, I deserves it. I've decided now, I'll enroll to a med-school, not here, I wouldn't be able to stand it, I need a break. I need to get away.
(Update [19:31]: Måndagen den 19 december 2005)
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